She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
