you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
