she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
