I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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