Michael Bay diarrhea
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
