we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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