Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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