you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
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