So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
