Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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