something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The air taste purple.
Randomize
