This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
