I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
