Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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