All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
