Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
