hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
