He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
