Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
