remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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