i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
