Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
wow bdsm is so cute
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
