I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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