I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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