I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
