Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
