we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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