Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
