I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
