omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
