Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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