I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
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