Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
