I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
