the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
