its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
