Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
