so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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