$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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