seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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