Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
