i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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