well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
