I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
