Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
