I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
