Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
