I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
