I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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