Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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