I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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