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Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
